The Delta Between

I’m flying to ATL today for a few meetings and speeches.  On Delta, which I never fly, and I must say I’m very impressed with the service.  I’m nothing on Delta – no elite status on them or any of their partner airlines – I’m one step above Jethro who’ve they’ve obviously stuffed somewhere in cargo because they had oversold the plane by – count ‘em – 5 seats.  Wow.  However, it’s a good plane (767-300), on-demand seatback entertainment, decent food (although I have to pay for it), and the flight attendants are actually nice.   Amazing that civility gets a mention these days, no?

A few funnies:

· The security line: heinously long at 5am. Luckily, I have my magic United card so I can get to the front of the line. Now keep in mind what I just said –the line is practically from the metal detectors to Nebraska. So you would think the TSA checker-dude who makes sure I am who I say I am would be hauling ass, checking off names, issuing cryptic stamps and shoving me thru the metal detector as fast as he could. You’d be wrong – dude wanted to engage in conversation with me. Asked me where I was going (uh – ATL, like it says on the ticket), if I knew how to get to the A gates (uh – I fly approximately 6 trillion miles a year , hence I’m in this special line, hence I probably could build the airport out of toothpicks in my sleep, but yes, thank you), if I was having a good day (sure, I just skipped 30 minutes in a security line, but the more you talk to me, the further along the 400,000 people in line behind me are in constructing some way to lynch me while making it look like a biiig misunderstanding). Dude – just stamp the little paper and let me go.

· The dude next to me is Japanese and is clearly used to traveling in cramped quarters.  He literally got on, put a blanket on, and is now sitting forward in his seat, head looking at the place he is soon to be, sleeping.  I couldn’t sleep like that even on four percoset, let alone naturally.  Impressive.  He does, however, smell like a strange combo of noodles and fish, which at 6am  is just friggin revolting.  I’m sure I smell like beef and fries, tho, so he is probably blogging in his sleep right now about how much Americans stink.  I do think he got the blanket because I turned the air thingy on as soon as he sat down.  My air thingy is hooked directly to the turbofan engines and is blowing like a muther.  Freezing, yes.  Stinky, no.  I might get hypothermia, but I won’t smell tuna at 6am.

· The dude next to him is just a prick.  Slammed his seat back (apparently he forgot that there are 30 rows behind us).  Ate with his mouth open the entire time (stinky salad – natch).  And is just someone I want to punch in the head because he is annoying.

· The chick in front of me is playing a trivia game on the seatback but she, also, apparently doesn’t know the seatback monitor is located in the headrest of the person in front of her.  She is SLAMMING the touchscreen when she wants to answer a question and then, and I’m not making this up, she pumps her fists when she gets an answer correct.  The person in front of her, a little Chinese woman, is going to have to go to the ER for whiplash when this flight is over.

· Meanwhile, in some sick twist, my friend Heatherlyn is up in first class even though she bought her ticket about a day ago and paid less than $300 more than me for the privilege.  Beytach. 

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